I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want this.
If I said that it wasn’t planned; that it was a surprise.
After many late night conversations and lots of unprotected you-know-what, I was happy to the point of tears when two lines showed up on that test.
The outpouring of love and support has made it all that much sweeter. And I realize time and again how damn lucky I am—how lucky we are.
But I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t scared sick.
Two kids under 3? Me trying to start a new career in the midst of pregnancy? What will we do about money? Food? Space?
There’s a lot of noise in my head. Sometimes I am Zen about it all. I know that despite myself, I will just do it. Like so many women before me.
Other times, as hormones fluctuate and my old friend anxiety kicks in, I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and sleep for many hours. Which I did yesterday, only to wake up feeling more tired and keenly aware that I will not get that kind of alone time, peace and quiet, and personal space, for many years.
I have to be okay with that, because it comes with the territory. I signed up for this with my first, and for all I know, this may not be the last.
I laugh at myself and my insistence that we were “one and done”. Deep down, I knew this was false. I never wanted to stop at one. Then I resolved that we would just wait until Sienna was potty trained and in school. Well, she certainly won’t be in school when the second one arrives, and potty training? That is just a fairy tale at this point, my friend.
So what? I’ve already been bitch slapped by life a million times over. I’ve learned to never say anything with absolute certainty. I was just bullshitting my way through conversation until it finally happened.
Some have already commented on how my tone has changed. Well, yeah, because life. What, you think I had it all figured out or something? Hello, we’re all just fakin’ it till we make it, amiright?
Back to what matters – husband is pumped. Family is pumped. Sienna has no clue what’s going on. I’m along for the ride. I can’t say that I’m pumped just yet (blame first trimester hormonal shitstorm). I think the word is gratified. I know that we are in a good place surrounded by good people, and this experience will be totally different from the first time. And I look forward to seeing how everything unfolds.